Broken. Little. Misfit.
Rosie. 5'1". August 14.
Living life the way I want because I can.
Regret Nothing.
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Dear Diary,
10/14/2012
10:55PM
The Unwritten Rule
I wouldn’t have read the book if I had seen the cover first, but all it took was seeing the first page on Tumblr to get me interested in the story. The Unwritten Rule. I started that book yesterday and just finished it not too long ago. I never read books that have actual people on the covers for the most part. It really bothers me to have actual people on the front. I don’t know why, I’ve always wondered why, but have never been able to find out why.
But man, that book taught me something about people that I already knew, but it also taught me something about myself, which I partially knew but I really needed to solidify it. In the story, Brianna is the “best friend” who in perfect and amazing in almost every way, and she insisted that Sarah (the main character, the person you’re falling into the shoes of) needed her, and that she would be nothing without her.
It’s people like Brianna that I hate. It’s people like Brianna that I am living to avoid. I have come to realize that I have had “best friends” that were just like this. They would ask “what would you be without me?” or “what would you do if I weren’t here?” They always thought that I would just be alone. I am not nothing without them, and I’m not sure if they would know I was talking about them if they were reading this, but I have learned that I have become the shadow friend.
No more. I am no longer the shadow friend. From now on, I am the light.
Dear Diary,
10/10/2012
12:38PM
I Hope You Find What You’re Looking For
I broke up with my boyfriend last night. It started the night before, but he continued it last night. He told me “I hope you find what you’re looking for” and to be honest, I don’t really think I’m looking for anything anymore.
Mentally I wanted to commit and I felt like I was mentally old enough to have a serious relationship, but I feel like my body and my being are too young to make that kind of decision so soon.
I’ve come to realize that I have cared too much about how other people feel and what other people want, and now I am trying to do things for me. I’m doing things for the sake of how I feel and what I want, regardless of its affect on anyone else. And I think I really need that. I need a little bit of selfishness right now more than anything.
He insisted that I didn’t care, and that I lied through our relationship. That’s not true, and I’m not sure he’ll ever know that no matter how many times I tell him…
Dear Diary,
9/16/2012
2:17PM
Hellish
Volleyball has been bittersweet. I’ve been doing pretty good, I have room for improvement but who doesn’t? The big problem is that I work my ass off and I don’t get any recognition. Just because I’m not a big hitter and I don’t make the kills doesn’t mean I am not important. Without a libero those setters might not be able to set the big hitters and make the big kills that make the paper.
I’ve read every article over and over again. I’ve highlighted the names of every junior that has been mentioned, and every junior that’s played varsity consistently has been mentioned except me…
The closest I got to having my name called was “our defense is winning games”… is it that hard to just write my name?
My mom told me to just work so hard that it’d be impossible to forget to mention my name, but it seems like no matter how hard I try it just never turns out…
Dear Diary,
9/2/2012
11:19PM
Update
It’s been too damn long what the fuckkk.
Anywhore volleyball was emotionally exhausting and is still. Just had a six game tournament and as you could see from the picture I posted from instagram I hurt my wrist. Still hurts pretty bad but not nearly as bad as it did. Our coach is putting one of the younger girls through the same thing I had to deal with and I hate it. I wish she would just put the girl in as a left or right instead of having her warm the bench in her libero jersey like I did. And I don’t want to be riding the bench in my libero jersey anymore either…
Also there are new exchange students. One of them is Hungarian and he is such a sweetheart, but I’m afraid he might like me. Sure he comes with polite mannerisms anyways like holding the door, it seems like he treats me a little better and different. Whenever I come into class he gets me a chair if I don’t have one or he pulls my chair out for me. He looks over my shoulder, closely mind you, to see the kind of grade I got on my homework and compare. I just don’t want him to start liking me too much because I have a boyfriend.
Not to mention my friend likes him, but she is just too immature and too much of a brat. I would never go and tell him that she likes him unless she wanted me too, but I would feel terrible if she got upset with me or something because he liked me more than her or whatever.
Speaking of boyfriend, we’ve been doing pretty good. We decided to agree on an official starting date of our relationship since neither of us really knew for sure what date it was; so instead of letting it be unknown we made it July 18th. The place he is staying at now doesn’t have internet so we haven’t skyped in a while, and I really miss his face. I mean I could just go and look at a picture but that’s not the same as seeing him animated, smiling when he sees me you know…
The second week of school is starting up, and after having missed school on the first week for already getting sick (ear infection and sinusitis) I am still recovering. I just hope this week goes well. It’s homecoming week for school. The first homecoming in 45 years. I’m going to get one of the homecoming shirts, and Tuesday is pajama day. Wednesday is 70’s day and I have no idea what the hell I am going to wear. On Saturday we have a 3-way with two other schools at home (obviously) and then the homecoming dance in the evening. I am wondering if that exchange student is going to ask me, and if he does we’re going as friends. I’m not going to ask for trouble or anything though. We’ll see what happens.
Until next time… now I gotta figure out what imma wear for 70’s day lol.
Dear Diary,
9:58PM
8/5/2012
Wow.
I just made a whole long ass post at 9:49AM, and when I tried to post the hotel internet dropped, and TUMBLR DIDN’T SAVE IT! I am sure as hell NOT re-writing all that shit over again.
Dear Diary,
10:08AM
8/2/2012
Stuck
So yesterday was the last day of the team camp. I would have written a post then but after the camp I had a team dinner and when I came home I was so sleep deprived these last few days that I passed out.
We lost both of our games, which is disappointing but not all too surprising with the kind of team we bring to the table. I am pretty sure we were the worst team there. But that isn’t even the worst part.
There was a rafting trip two days ago during team camp. I didn’t go because I wasn’t technically signed up for the camp, didn’t have a waver, and didn’t want to take the risk with my hip and all. Apparently all hell broke loose. Rafts were flipped, girls were stuck underneath them, girls were sent down the river, girls were pinned against rocks, and one of the raft guides hurt his shoulder and probably broke his ankle.
When I came to the camp in the afternoon all of the girls were there before me, which never happens, I am always there earlier than early so I can be on time for being early. They were being lectured about the whole trip and that is how I found out about it. One of my friends had the worst cuts on her knee, most likely because she was one of the girls that got pinned against a rock.
Not to mention, I’m not sure when this happened my mental clock is all over the place, we got scolded by the head coach running the whole camp. A significant amount of our girls were hanging out with troublesome guys. The guys were making inappropriate remarks to some of the girls on the other teams, being disruptive, and some boys were going and knocking on the dorms in the middle of the night asking the girls to come and party with them.
I only ever talked to a guy once this whole camp for a good ten minutes, so this whole thing, including rafting since I wasn’t there, was blindsided by all of the events. The team decided from then on we would not talk to any boys, ignore their comments, and not give them any reactions to anything whatsoever. Just a few good minutes after that talk the boys were crowding the doorway into the gym and I didn’t hesitate to be blunt and nasty and yell at them to move, which scared this one girl, but my mom explained to her what had happened.
Of course, after our coaches had laid down the NO BOYS rule, a couple of the girls’ boyfriends show up at different times. One time it wasn’t a huge concern, and I’m not sure why, but the next time the coaches called the two girls over and told them they broke the rules, and that they weren’t allowed to even stay and watched our last game, and that they had to go home.
The duration of time between that conversation and our second game I overheard the coaches talking about how I was here just on extra time since I couldn’t even play, and that I am the only one staying extra to watch the good teams play and learn, and how I am the only player that really wants to be here.
And I’m starting to believe it.
Not to mention after all the games the assistant coach and I were watching the last game of the gold bracket AKA the top two best teams in the camp playing against each other, and my coach told me that if I wanted to get anywhere with volleyball that I might have to transfer to a school that has a better team. The closest school has an amazing team, but they already have two liberos, I’d be warming the bench or I’d be on a C or JV team, having the same problem I am having now.
I have no idea what to do anymore.
Dear Diary,
11:41PM
7/30/2012
Disappointment
Today was a disaster. We had four games today. Four games. Four. Games. Can you guess how many we won? Not one, not two, not three, not even four. Not any of them. Not. Any.
All of the girls on the team just refuse to communicate. I am sitting on the sidelines making my throat burn from yelling to help the girls on the court communicate. Not once have I been able to play on the court with my team. Not. Once. And if you ask me, they needed me, but maybe this time around was a time for them to realize that I wasn’t always going to be there to fix their mistakes.
One girl who is a way lesser player, she hasn’t been on varsity or thought of being placed on varsity, was trying to tell me how to pass. Girl, please. I’m the libero of the varsity team. That means I am the best passer and fastest player of the varsity team. Just because the JV coach tells you that you are aggressive in back row doesn’t mean she gave you any encouragement to tell me how to pass. Just because I have been out of sports for 8 months does NOT mean I have forgotten what I have learned. Maybe you would have, but I would never.
We have two more games left until the team camp tournament. Oh God…
Dear Diary,
11:20PM
7/29/2012
Pressure
So now that my schedule is getting tighter and tighter it’s going to get constantly harder to find time to talk with my boyfriend. It hurts me that it is happening this way, because this is why one of my better relationships ended. I don’t want ours to end the same way, and I know that we can make it through it.
This is the message that I wrote him on facebook after his phone died while we were talking:
“Hey, so I think your phone died while we were talking, and I don’t know when you’ll get this message…
But I love you, and you know I do, and as much as you shrug it off and say “whatever” about it you know it’s true and I know it makes you happy as much as it makes me happy. You make me happy, and the fact that you love me and can’t stop thinking about me makes me happy. I think about you nonstop even though it’s hard for me to show it.
These next two years are probably going to be the hardest because they are my last two years of school which means I am not gonna have nearly as much time as I do during the summer. I want to make time because I want to hear from you whether it’s through text or facebook message or a phone call or skype. I want to make time. It’s going to be hard, but whenever I have free time I am going to text you and message you on facebook or leave cute wall posts or whatever. I want this to last and this is the hardest part, but if we can last through this I think we could last through anything.
I love you sooooo much you don’t even know <3 I hope that we can make this work because I really care about you, and it would crush me if we couldn’t stay together because of my tight schedule :"
He told me while we were on the phone that our relationship is going to rely on how much effort I put into it because he is never busy, but now I always am…
I just hope that I don’t ruin everything…
Dear Diary,
5:39PM
7/29/2012
Day One
So today was the first day of the volleyball team camp. I was hoping, even though I hadn’t signed up, that my coach would play me because nobody would notice, and our team needs me. They really do.
The back row is having a hard time passing, and I’m the libero. I’m the best passer and fastest player on the team. That’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m just hoping that with my loud voice from the bench helping guide the players that my coach thinks I am captain material.
This team would fall apart without me… and that’s not a cocky thing either…
Dear Diary,
8:42PM
7/27/2012
Opening Ceremony
Dark people are so beautiful. I’m watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics and al of these dark skinned people are just absolutely stunning I can’t take my eyes off of them! I’m actually staring at the television as I write these words.
I couldn’t imagine being at the Olympics. Walking and representing your country at the opening ceremony, and eventually in the next 17 days competing for a gold, silver, or bronze metal. How amazing would that be?
I’m waiting to see if I can spot a graduate from my school who made it to the Olympics with steeplechase. And I also spotted a photo of Usain Bolt carrying the Jamaican flag which I do NOT want to miss. I love Usain he is a legend.
I’ve never been so into the Olympics as I am this year.
