Broken. Little. Misfit.

Dear Diary,

10/14/2012

10:55PM

The Unwritten Rule

I wouldn’t have read the book if I had seen the cover first, but all it took was seeing the first page on Tumblr to get me interested in the story.  The Unwritten Rule.  I started that book yesterday and just finished it not too long ago.  I never read books that have actual people on the covers for the most part.  It really bothers me to have actual people on the front.  I don’t know why, I’ve always wondered why, but have never been able to find out why.

  But man, that book taught me something about people that I already knew, but it also taught me something about myself, which I partially knew but I really needed to solidify it.  In the story, Brianna is the “best friend” who in perfect and amazing in almost every way, and she insisted that Sarah (the main character, the person you’re falling into the shoes of) needed her, and that she would be nothing without her.

  It’s people like Brianna that I hate.  It’s people like Brianna that I am living to avoid.  I have come to realize that I have had “best friends” that were just like this.  They would ask “what would you be without me?” or “what would you do if I weren’t here?”  They always thought that I would just be alone.  I am not nothing without them, and I’m not sure if they would know I was talking about them if they were reading this, but I have learned that I have become the shadow friend.

  No more.  I am no longer the shadow friend.  From now on, I am the light.

• 15 Oct 2012

Dear Diary,

10/10/2012

12:38PM

I Hope You Find What You’re Looking For

 I broke up with my boyfriend last night.  It started the night before, but he continued it last night.  He told me “I hope you find what you’re looking for” and to be honest, I don’t really think I’m looking for anything anymore.

  Mentally I wanted to commit and I felt like I was mentally old enough to have a serious relationship, but I feel like my body and my being are too young to make that kind of decision so soon.

  I’ve come to realize that I have cared too much about how other people feel and what other people want, and now I am trying to do things for me.  I’m doing things for the sake of how I feel and what I want, regardless of its affect on anyone else.  And I think I really need that.  I need a little bit of selfishness right now more than anything.

  He insisted that I didn’t care, and that I lied through our relationship.  That’s not true, and I’m not sure he’ll ever know that no matter how many times I tell him…

• 10 Oct 2012

Dear Diary,

9/16/2012

2:17PM

Hellish

 Volleyball has been bittersweet.  I’ve been doing pretty good, I have room for improvement but who doesn’t?  The big problem is that I work my ass off and I don’t get any recognition.  Just because I’m not a big hitter and I don’t make the kills doesn’t mean I am not important.  Without a libero those setters might not be able to set the big hitters and make the big kills that make the paper.  

  I’ve read every article over and over again.  I’ve highlighted the names of every junior that has been mentioned, and every junior that’s played varsity consistently has been mentioned except me…

  The closest I got to having my name called was “our defense is winning games”… is it that hard to just write my name?

  My mom told me to just work so hard that it’d be impossible to forget to mention my name, but it seems like no matter how hard I try it just never turns out…

• 16 Sep 2012

Dear Diary,

9/2/2012

11:19PM

Update

  It’s been too damn long what the fuckkk.

  Anywhore volleyball was emotionally exhausting and is still.  Just had a six game tournament and as you could see from the picture I posted from instagram I hurt my wrist.  Still hurts pretty bad but not nearly as bad as it did.  Our coach is putting one of the younger girls through the same thing I had to deal with and I hate it.  I wish she would just put the girl in as a left or right instead of having her warm the bench in her libero jersey like I did.  And I don’t want to be riding the bench in my libero jersey anymore either…

  Also there are new exchange students.  One of them is Hungarian and he is such a sweetheart, but I’m afraid he might like me.  Sure he comes with polite mannerisms anyways like holding the door, it seems like he treats me a little better and different.  Whenever I come into class he gets me a chair if I don’t have one or he pulls my chair out for me.  He looks over my shoulder, closely mind you, to see the kind of grade I got on my homework and compare.  I just don’t want him to start liking me too much because I have a boyfriend.  

  Not to mention my friend likes him, but she is just too immature and too much of a brat.  I would never go and tell him that she likes him unless she wanted me too, but I would feel terrible if she got upset with me or something because he liked me more than her or whatever.

  Speaking of boyfriend, we’ve been doing pretty good.  We decided to agree on an official starting date of our relationship since neither of us really knew for sure what date it was; so instead of letting it be unknown we made it July 18th.  The place he is staying at now doesn’t have internet so we haven’t skyped in a while, and I really miss his face.  I mean I could just go and look at a picture but that’s not the same as seeing him animated, smiling when he sees me you know…

  The second week of school is starting up, and after having missed school on the first week for already getting sick (ear infection and sinusitis) I am still recovering.  I just hope this week goes well.  It’s homecoming week for school.  The first homecoming in 45 years.  I’m going to get one of the homecoming shirts, and Tuesday is pajama day.  Wednesday is 70’s day and I have no idea what the hell I am going to wear.  On Saturday we have a 3-way with two other schools at home (obviously) and then the homecoming dance in the evening.  I am wondering if that exchange student is going to ask me, and if he does we’re going as friends.  I’m not going to ask for trouble or anything though.  We’ll see what happens.

  Until next time… now I gotta figure out what imma wear for 70’s day lol.

• 3 Sep 2012